Amy I am...

... I always thought of myself as Elizabeth, but no
I see now I am Amy Dudley
I am the same stupid girl
the same stupid girl who rushed to help you fill out your visa papers
help you with your dream
and stabbed myself with every pen stroke
I am the same girl who waited and died and killed for you
for what I thought you needed to be happy
I will rot, I will not shine
I don't know if I will throw myself down the stairs
or cut myself until I bleed
I don't know if I can turn myself off
make the most of it for my children
I have no voice
my opinion doesn't count, so why have one
with no opinion, no thoughts, no feelings
one hardly exists
that's some mother, yeah that's some wife
Run
no wonder you run

stess

stress stress fucking stress I can't fucking sleep stress gods...

racing racing racing mind racing fucking mind circuluar fucking thinking...

Oh my fucking god could I please just be sleepy???

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.

It's hard...

... It seems like most every one of my friends has serious relationship troubles. I feel bad, I can't help them. I can't say anything. I can't lie. I can't sympathize, not really. I don't have serious relationship issues. I adore my husband. I always have. We more than get along. I would have known him anywhere. I was lucky enough to meet him at only seventeen years old, and not have to suffer the years of bullshit dating, sad, halfhearted relationships, and just... the floundering that I see all around me. Some people seem to think I have missed out, but I don't feel that way at all. I feel blessed. My husband is the reason I believe in something more than this one life. I know there is more. With him I have been there.

I feel like I betray him because I can't sing his praises. I listen to my friends' sorrow about their disconnection with their husbands and lovers, with their search for what it is that is missing in their lives. My life is not perfect, but my love is. I never doubt it. I can't say, "Gee that really sucks, too bad you don't have a relationship like ours." I have to say nothing, and encourage them to go on. Today my sister-in-law was on about how her new boyfriend must not be "the one" because she has doubts, and I say it's only natural to have doubts. She reminds me that I didn't have any doubts, and it's true. And I betrayed my love by saying "Yes but I was so young." so I can try and give her some hope. It had nothing to do with my youth. I would have known him at any time and anyplace. I betray him by not singing from the rooftops, he is my love. I feel bad for the people who are searching, searching, searching, but I learned a lesson today. Never again will I hide my smile, my joy in my love. Let that be what gives my friends some hope.

btw
Today April 15... it’s not just “tax day”. It’s also “Bring Your Favorite Pasta Dish To Work Day” and if you don’t work it’s just “Eat Your Favorite Pasta Dish Day”. Visit http://www.ilovepasta.org/ to talk pasta, pasta, pasta!

But there are..

364 UNbirthdays!

Precisely why we're gathered here to cheer!

A very merry Unbirthday to YOU!!

Unless of course it is your Birthday. If that's the case, piss off. Don't you have a REAL party to go to?

---

That’s it. From now on I’m just going to make up holidays.

Today April 11th is... Trout Day.

Celebrate all things trout. Have a trout sing-along. Make trout masks. Visit
http://www.tu.org/site/pp.asp?c=7dJEKTNuFmG&b=275410
and be sure to tell them Happy Trout Day!!!

In a few moments it will be April 12... which as everyone knows is National IBS awareness day. Visit http://www.ibsgroup.org/ and learn all about IBS.
Celebrate by running to the toilet once an hour with bottom clenched.

Happy Holidays!

Holy Fucking Shit...

... I just have nothing to say. Let's see, what happened today?

Well, Linda came over and we hung out. Cat and Cecie hung out. We got some wicked good pictures of them too. They are so cute. We know how to make babies. Then I ran some errands with Linda and drove her around the foothills so she could see the flowers because she thinks she is going to die tomorrow. She has to have her galbladder out and she is wigging. I'm sure it will be fine. She should milk it for all she can when she gets home though. Woman deserves it.

Then Cat and I walked to school with Pat and waited for him while he was in class. Cat had diarreah that leaked all over her and me while some dumb-ass was talking to me about how she was a 'baby genious' to be at college already. Like seven people said this to me. Ha! Yes morons, it's fucking hilairous and clever. Really.

Now I'm waiting for my ear to stop hurting so I can go to sleep. Ears suck.

I've been wanting to finish my children's books, but I just can't draw anymore. I don't want the drawings to look like they were done by a child, afterall. Maybe I could credit Cat for them and then all would be well.

Blah blah blah

blah blah blah... underwear... you ain't seen nothin yet!

Seriously, this is what is playing in my head over, and over, and over. I'm not sure if the word underwear is really even in that song, but I like to think so.

Right now, my daughter is eating, well chewing on a dog toy. I'm letting her. Baby droll, dog droll, it's all the same.

Huh, think it tastes like crap, she's fussing. Gotta go!

OMG I am so pissed...

... I was just checking the email before bed and got a note for Pat's finacial aide application. Says he/we were declined for a Federal Pell Grant. WTF?

So you're supposed to be able to pay for the medical fees and other fees for having an infant, and the living expense in CA, and all the fees associated with going to a UC?? Riiiiight.

I want to bomb something.

Well fuck...

... I can't sleep. And I can't go upstairs and get it on (that's right people, my poonanie is healed... finally) because I'm not feeling that great.

I have absolutely nothing to say. And here you are reading that. You must have insomnia too.

We could start a club.

We could call it... Um... I have no fucking idea. How about "losers who can't sleep".

Sounds good.